A Dating Manifesto--Part 2 of 3 (What)
8:53 AMHeatherYesterday, I shared with y'all why I believe we parents of teens need to consider creating a dating manifesto. Or, perhaps less dramatic in how it sounds--a family dating plan. In other words, a family standard for how dating occurs so that the children and parents are all on the same page. So that parameters and expectations are clearly outlined. And even if you don't have teens yet, you will be there before you know it. So read on, please.
Listen--what I am proposing is not some inflexible edict parents declare on high about how our children will have nothing to do with the opposite sex until age 30.
But hey--would that be such a bad idea? Just kidding. Sorta. Not really. I've never been a fan of arranged marriage until I became a Mom. Then, I considered the idea of my darlings someday making their own choice for a life long partner. And I felt a little nauseous. After all, doesn't Mama know best?
I digress. Back to reality. Where we start is simple. Parents--have a joint discussion (without children present) on this topic. Single parents--try to broach the subject with the other parent if at all possible. If not, I pray God's grace and strength on you and encourage you to press on! Bless your sweet heart. You can do this!
1. Define dating. I believe the dialogue starts with this question.
What is the purpose of dating? What is all this about? WHY do people ever date in the first place? When you boil
it down, dating is really about getting to know someone to determine if
you might have a future together. It's part of the process of finding a mate.
Not something most middle schoolers need to be considering. Honestly--not something most high schoolers are emotionally prepared for either. Or, even some college-aged kids for that matter.
When I use the word "dating" in this context, what I'm talking about is pursuing an ever increasing emotional, exclusive relationship to determine compatibility. It involves time alone with that person. What I don't mean is having a casual, good, and physically pure time with a member of the opposite sex.
So potato, patato--you gotta be clear what words you are using and what significance they carry. Clearly define what "dating" looks like in your eyes so that you can explain it clearly to your child.
Word of warning--do not get caught in semantics. As long as your teenager is clear about following the DEFINITION that is outlined, I don't think the semantics are a hill worth dying on. Allow me to give you a case example. Purely hypothetical, of course. You parent a child who is a negotiator. An independent type. You discover a tidbit of information (yes, reading your children's cell phones is part of this process) concerning a relationship. When questioned, the child admits they are "dating" someone. When pressed, what that child actually means is that they have a mutual fondness with a member of the opposite sex and they see each other on a very limited basis with complete supervision at all times. They text and chat on occasion. Very basic stuff. Nothing serious. All priorities are in check. Said child is not losing themselves in this relationship. It's not their life--more like a side dish. The child is following the parental perimeters for said relationship completely. They just choose to use a word that I wouldn't use.
Fine. Picking my battles. What is REALLY happening is that the said child likes someone. And those feelings are reciprocated. And they hang out sometimes in a group setting with grown ups present. It's all good. Reminds me of when I was in junior high and someone asked me to go with them. My dad would laugh and ask where we were going. Ha ha, Dad. SO funny. It's just the lingo. The details of the relationship were within the family's parameters. SO, to me personally--the semantics are not necessarily worth getting hung up on.
You may feel differently. And that's totally cool. We can still be bloggy friends.
2. Emphasize the most important things. For me, the best way to summarize our family dating plan stance is to highlight two Biblical standards--guarding our hearts and guarding our purity.
Above all else, guard your heart,
for everything you do flows from it.
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