I'm so honored to use the platform of my blog to share the stories and songs of others. Today, my dear friend, Lauren Sparks, shares her struggles with comparison with such authenticity and honestly -- I know many of us can relate. Be encouraged by her wonderful writing. I couldn't be more humbled and proud to champion this amazing friend of mine.
“Who were you before someone told you who you were supposed
to be?”
I heard author and speaker Jo
Saxton ask this question on a podcast and can’t shake it. I can’t shake it because I can’t answer
it. Almost from birth we are bombarded
by messages of who we are supposed to be.
Messages from our parents, our grandparents, teachers, churches, media
and the culture at large. Often the attributes
assigned to us are confusing, foreign to our nature, or even
contradictory. It’s no wonder we
struggle so much with adulting. We’ve
been sold a bill of goods about who we are, and the skin is often an
uncomfortable fit.
The lie I have believed all of my life is that I am not enough. From at least twelve years of age, I judged
myself not pretty enough. I developed
womanly curves several years earlier than many of my friends, and I saw these
curves as “fat”. The other girls looked
like sticks. The boys my age weren’t
really interested in me. I attracted
only older boys. And I knew that was
because of these curves, so that made me feel a little trashy. By college I was acting out on that -
accepting the wrong kind of attention because it made me feel attractive. For a few years as a young adult, I managed
to squeeze myself into the culturally approved “beautiful” mold. But the cost was too high. A sub-clinical eating disorder, obsession
with exercise, and a constant fear of gaining weight left me feeling like a
fraud.
I also believe the lies that I am not fun enough and not
talented enough. I struggle to see in
myself anything special to draw others to me.
I long to be the life of the party – the friend that everyone
wants. So my lack of social invitations
leave me feeling lonely and unnecessary.
I can be fiercely jealous of those with praise-worthy skills and
abilities. Those who sing or preach or
teach or decorate. I crave enviable
gifts. Even in my writing, I am easily
distracted by doubts about whether or not I’m making any difference. I can get so caught up in checking to see how
many people are reading what I’m putting out.
Whether there are comments or “likes.”
Social media makes it too easy to compare. When we all put our best posts and pictures
forward, we can believe that everyone else has their stuff all together. And I can even follow others who are doing it
“better.” People who surround themselves with friends and exciting social
engagements. People who look better in
their clothes and take pretty pictures.
Photo by Chad Madden on Unsplash
I envy those with the career I want.
Women with thriving ministries who get paid to write, speak. or
podcast. And when I allow
self-reflection to consume me, when I give the ugly sin of coveting a space in
my mind, I not only doubt myself, but I doubt my calling and belittle what I am
doing for the kingdom. I doubt the very
Creator who made me exactly as I am and wants to use my talents for furthering
His work. “For where jealousy and
selfish ambition exist, there will be disorder and every vile practice,” (James
3:16).
When feelings of inadequacy consume me, I remind myself whom
I’m living for. As Paul asked in his
letter to the Galatians: “Am I now
trying to win the approval of human beings, or of God? Or am I trying to please people? If I were still trying to please people, I would
not be a servant of Christ,” (1:10).
Oh,
with all my broken, battered heart I want to serve Christ. So if Jesus is my audience, then what HE says
about me matters most. In Jeremiah 31:3
He says, “I have loved you with an everlasting love; I have drawn you with
unfailing kindness.” Do you hear that,
Lauren? He loves me and He did NOT fail
when He created me. In fact, out of His
kindness He made me to look just like I look and live and move just as I
do.
Do you hear that,
reader? He says the same about you.
Romans 12:6 states, “We have different gifts, according to
the grace given to each of us.” God
specially gifted me and He graciously values my talents. He says I am fearfully (reverently,
awesomely, respectfully, honorably, astonishingly) and wonderfully made! (Psalm
139:14), and because of Jesus, I am the righteousness of God (2 Corinthians
5:21).
I wish I could permanently replace what I think of me with
what God thinks of me.
But in this broken world I am bombarded with too many other
messages that are hard to ignore. So
when I catch myself descending into self-pity, discouragement or
self-promotion, I combine all the above verses into a song. A song I know my Savior sings over me. He sings it, not for my self-gratification,
but for His glory. And I play it on
repeat until I drown out the competing voices.
Then I do it again the next day.
And the next. And I serve Him
with my redeemed heart, until someday I will hear Him sing this song with
perfect ears as God welcomes me into my heavenly home.
More about the guest blogger:
Lauren Sparks
I love Jesus, my husband and caffeine. The order of these can change depending on how tired I am. When my two daughters, stepson, and 4 grandchildren get to be too much, I practice yoga. God graciously allows me to share our adventures, victories and flub-ups from my laptop. May He be glorified here.
I love Jesus, my husband and caffeine. The order of these can change depending on how tired I am. When my two daughters, stepson, and 4 grandchildren get to be too much, I practice yoga. God graciously allows me to share our adventures, victories and flub-ups from my laptop. May He be glorified here.
Learn more about Lauren and read more of her writing at https://laurensparks.net/.
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