Handing Over the Keys
6:27 PMHeather
Monday night, I
couldn't sleep. At all. For hours. And hours. So my
usual tendency on my children's birthdays to replay all the events surrounding
their births was on overdrive, in the quiet and still of a very long night.
And I have been rather conflicted this week. As
my first born turned 16 yesterday. I am ecstatic and elated and thankful for the
years of being his mom and the gift he has been to us. I am proud of the
young man he has become. I am humbled at my obsessive first mom self who
tended to overanalyze and honestly freak out at things that now have no
bearing. I am awed by God's faithfulness to us, through this guy. And I
am sad and confused about how we got here, in the blink of an eye.
It's like his whole life flashed before me
Monday night. And then, as the night dragged along, my own life went on
rewind.
I was remembering my own sixteenth
birthday. Honestly, it was one of the most fabulous ones ever. My
parents surprised me with a television for my room. Woo hoo! Hours
of music videos on MTV, baby. And my dad baked my birthday cake and
decorated it for me. After gifts and cards and seeing the cake and
getting ready for school, I walked outside. I was shocked to see the 1983 Ford
EXP that my dad had gone to look at for me. We didn't have a lot of money.
But somehow, my parents had pulled it off. I can vividly remember
driving with my dad to school in that two-seater car, eager to show it to all
my friends. Dad allowed me time to let my friends fawn over it before he
drove it on to work. And later that day, I got my driver's license.
It feels as though it just happened.
So how is it that my own son passed his driving test this morning?
I've told many of you that when I drive
with Collin behind the wheel, it's like that scene from Father of the Bride where Steve Martin sees his daughter
as a very young girl while she announces her engagement.
THIS is my guy. This tiny, itty
bitty baby boy.
So, his tall man-size self with a deep
voice still unnerves me a little bit. But handing him keys to a car feels
like nearly too much for me.
I like to be in control. I've
wrestled against the loss of control in parenting since day one. I'd like
to think I've improved somewhat on this over the years. But allowing my
child to drive somewhere without me and without any other adult feels like it
might push me over the edge.
Because God is telling me to trust Him.
To surrender my child to him, yet again. And to relinquish control.
But how? I mean, I was the one who
paced the floor with a sick little baby running a high fever. I was the
one who fed and changed and cared for his every need. See? He needs
me. I was the one who has prayed and prayed and prayed over various concerns
and issues and asked the Lord to pave Collin's way and to help him be a Godly
influence and to hunger for God and to choose his narrow way.
And I am the one who is now being called
to take a step back. To trust, not my own parenting attempts, but God's
faithfulness. To loosen the cord and give him space to spread his wings
and fly. To allow him to possibly fall a bit and to soar a lot.
It's one the most brutiful things I've
been called to do.
To know that God had a plan before time
began for my guy. That just as I painted on his nursery walls, the days
for Collin were written in God's book before one of them came to be. God
is not bound by time...he knows what lies ahead. And he promises to go
before Collin and to hem him in from behind. He promises that he has a plan for
Collin's future, for his good and to give him a hope. A future for his college
and his career and his future spouse and children. All the big things and
all the little things are under God's control.
And just taking God at his word and
surrendering my children to him is terribly hard to do.
Yet, there is no better alternative.
I don't see another way to press on here.
Because my own tendency to worry can take me a million places. None
of them good. And God says to just hand it over.
To release. To stand firmly on God's
provision not just for me but for my children.
And as I hand my Collin the keys to
freedom and independence, I do so knowing that I am handing Collin to God.
And I think God is tenderly reminding me
today to recall all the ways that he has shown up. To remember and take
count of all that he has done in these first 16 years.
The first week home when his projectile
reflux kicked in and I freaked out. The first very high fever and
illness. The dozens of times when I fretted over his toddler behavior or his
eating habits. The playground politics and bullies who punched him. The
venture into school and sports and teams. The call to advocate for my son
and trust my mothering intuition. The transitions from one elementary
school to another and then middle school and high school. The
disappointments that I feared would crush Collin but instead made him stronger.
The efforts put into grades and friendships. The journeys of release,
first to public school and then to things like sleepovers with trusted friends
and overnight camps.
All of it. In every season, in every
moment, a million times over, I must admit that God had it well in hand.
Not to say that it's all been easy.
But to remember that nothing can take Collin out of God's reach.
So tonight when my sons pulled out of the driveway to head to youth group--alone, with no parentals-- I felt stunned. I am
happy and sad and elated and grieved and overcome.
And called, beyond the shadow of a doubt,
to remember that as I hand the keys over to Collin, I am handing Collin over to
God.
I am taking all my crazy mama worries once
again to my Heavenly Father and saying, this child is yours first. Help
me trust and obey. No matter what. Help me remember the millions of ways you've
been faithful and the millions of ways you will continue to do so.
Help me to see this new season not as a
sad one for me, but as an exciting one instead. That I am doing just what
I intended to do from day one...working myself out of a job. Having given
the task my best, in all my failed attempts and my successes, to be a mom who
shows love and concern and trains and coaches my children. And to always ask
God to fill in the gaps.
When my husband and I were earnestly
praying for a baby, having suffered a miscarriage, God led me to 1 Samuel 1:20.
So in the course of time, Hannah conceived
and gave birth to a son.
That has been the promise I've stood on
since the time Collin was just a dream in our minds. God is such a God of
details. Because not only was Collin's due date 1/20 (like the verse),
but he was born on 1/20.
Today, as I enter a new world of
parenting, I think again to Hannah. Who surrendered and committed her
first born son to God's service.
And I know I must follow suit.
Lord, help me do so. I do believe,
help my unbelief! Give me strength to let go and wisdom to know when to
hold on. And as I give Collin the keys to hit the road alone, may I remember
that he is never alone.
Because you go where I can't.
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