My Confessions and Declarations

12:44 PMHeather

It was dark on the long stretch of road leading to my client's house last week. I ventured out to complete an adoption home study report.  Unable to find anything on the radio, I grabbed the only CD I could get my hands on in the driver's door pocket and popped it in.  I had no idea what I had chosen until the mini-van filled with the sounds of Mercy Me.  

And I was brought to tears again.  Their song You Are I Am gets me every time.  Because it is my own confession and declaration.  Of the dark places where I tend to struggle.  The pits where I've fallen in the past.  And the conclusion where I have never failed to land.



I've been the one to shake with fear
Fear of circumstance. Fear of rejection.  Fear of disapproval.  Fear of failure.

And wonder if You're even here
So many times.  In the moment of sadness and grief and confusion.  God feels a million miles away.

I've been the one to doubt Your love
Because of the failing and imperfect love of those who've hurt me.  Who've let me down.  I've boxed God's love into human dimensions.  I've heard the voices telling me I'm unlovable.  God's declarations of love seem unfathomable...unreachable.

I've told myself You're not enough
I'm not enough.  I'm always falling short.  Therefore, God must follow suit.  I enlarge my circumstance and the opinions of others.  Then God is smaller...he's shrunk behind the other things I allow to be bigger.

I've been the one to try and say
I'm overcome by my own shame
The shame of the naysaying critics.  The shame of the failures.  The shame of the imperfections.  It mocks and ridicules me, a shadow cast over my confidence and my hope.

I've been the one to fall apart
And start to question who You are
Are you God over this suffering?  Are you good? Are you faithful?  Did you ordain these valleys?  Did you allow these hardships?  Why aren't you answering desperate and repeated prayers?  Are you able to bring our waiting to an end? Can I take you at your word? I'm just not sure.

You're the one who conquers giants
You are the one who painted a rainbow on the stormy day my world began to fall apart.  You are the one who whispers to my soul, when I am still enough to listen.  You slay my doubts when I run to your promises.

You're the one who calls out kings
You will have the last word.  Jesus said it is finished.  And he is coming back to right all wrongs, to usher in a new heaven and a new earth.  And at his name, EVERY knee will bow.  No one will stand against the King of Kings.

You shut the mouths of lions
You have saved me from circumstances and emotions that threatened to devour me.  You have never left me alone in a dark den with lions.  Even there...you showed up.

You tell the dead to breathe
You've revived my hope, time and time again.  Because of you, even the threat or reality of death can never win because eternal live is granted. My loved ones who trust in you have left this world to run into your arms.  Even in grief, I can find hope.
  
You're the one who walks through fire
You have indeed walked me through the fires of life.  The losses.  The disappointments.  The long seasons of waiting.  The things I cannot understand.  You are there in the fire, as you were with Shadrach, Meshach and Abednego.  You bring me through the flames, time and again.

You take the orphan's hand
When everyone else abandons me, you remain faithful and sure.  Just and right.  Ever present.

You are the one Messiah
You are I am
You are I am
The fulfillment of all prophecy.  The answer to all questions.  Not in the past tense or the future tense.  But here and now.  Always.



I've been the one held down in chains
Chains of doubt.  Chains of fear.  Chains of disappointment.  Prisons of the opinion of others.  Bound by all sorts of things that hold me back.  Unable to even fathom freedom.

Beneath the weight of all my shame
I've been the one to believe
That where I am You cannot reach
Surely not here.  Surely not now.  Not when I've prayed over and over and nothing seems to change.  Certainly, God cannot really reach into this place.  He must be too busy being big to reach into the tiny details of my life.

The veil is torn
And now I live with the Spirit inside
The same one, the very same one
Who brought the Son back to life
The power of God himself was granted through the Holy Spirit after Jesus died.  All that had separated us from encountering God personally, without the aid of priests or ritual...it has all been torn away.  Jesus.  Jesus' life and death and resurrection.  For me.  For my sake.  So that I can run directly to Him.  So that I can call on the power of God within me.  To equip me for every day.  For every task.  May I never forget the resurrection power within me!

Hallelujah, He lives in me
Hallelujah, He lives in me
Hallelujah, He lives in me
Hallelujah, He lives in me
Indeed.  He lives in me.  The God of the Universe who spun the world into motion.  He had a plan all along.  To come as a baby.  To show me how to live as he walked this earth, full of grace and love.  And to grant me eternal life.  To pay the debt.  My debt.  To make a way.  To show that no matter how much I doubt.  No matter how much I struggle.  No matter how deep I fall into pits of despair.  He is the Rock of Ages at rock bottom.  He is the hope and the life.  He can handle all my questions.  He can handle every giant, every lion, every dead thing or dead hope.

Because, Jesus, I declare that You are I am.

And nothing...no circumstance...no feelings...no struggle...nothing can ever cause me to turn from you.

Oh, I've struggled.  I've felt depression that I thought would never ease.  I've felt hopeless and helpless.  I've felt overcome. I've felt defeated.

But I'm still here.  At your feet.  Chasing You.

You are I am.

And I am yours.

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