Y'all.  Just look at this little dumpling.

Is he the most precious thing?  I can hardly believe that it's been 14 years to the day since that first picture.  Yes, that sweetest bright eyed little boy stole my heart when he looked up at me, just moments after birth, and that picture was taken.  In the second picture, our first of three little jaundice babies was headed home from the hospital at 2 days old.

My first born's 14th birthday.  There's an occasion worthy of a special Sunday edition of my blog, in honor of my son.    Feel free to read along.

Dearest Collin,
This day always makes me so sentimental and happy and sad all at the same time.  Because it seems like just yesterday you were born.  I know--such a cliche--but oh, so true.  The years have flown by and here we are.  14.  It feels so much older than 13 to me?  It feels like a fast forward button has been pushed and I realize that all too soon you will be flying the nest.  And my heart is excited and grieved all at the same time.  How brutal this journey of motherhood!

I was thinking this morning how amused I am with my younger self.  I think back to how I obsessed when you wouldn't nap or eat or sleep.  How worried I was when I compared your growth and development to others.  How angry I was when someone dared to question your kindergarten readiness.  How challenged I was to always speak truth over you.  Because the world is full of naysayers.  But, God had whispered something to my soul when I was carrying you.  

You see, we had experienced the loss of a pregnancy, the year long wait to become pregnant with you, and then the frightening diagnosis that my pregnancy with you wasn't viable. Every detail of that day--that phone call--is so vivid to me.  It was the day that I was forced to pour my broken heart out at my Savior's feet in agonizing prayer.  And surrender.  Trust Him.  For your very life.  No matter his plans.  That day, God whispered to me to trust Him.  To trust His goodness, even when I couldn't see it.  Spent after hours of sobbing and praying, I fell into a peaceful sleep.  And, then, the call that delivered the news.  The nurse just "couldn't explain it," but my blood results came back completely normal.  I told her with such God given conviction that I COULD explain it.  Because my God was bigger.  

He was so sweet to whisper something else to my soul during that thrilling time of carrying you and preparing to become a mother.  He whispered that you would be a Godly man.  We didn't find out gender.  But, I knew.  I knew that you, my little boy, would have big plans for your life, outlined by the God of all creation.  And, so, my worry and fretting over you has always been within this frame work.  This knowledge and assurance that God is bigger.  

Naysayers have dared to question your very existence before your birth.  And, other times since then, someone has dared to question your abilities or your future or your skill set or such.  At times, you have felt these blows.  Other times, your Dad and I shielded you from them.  

But now, as manhood and independence loom ever closer, I know you are old enough.  So, here's my heart for you.  People can say what they will.  But, always seek the truth of who you as a child of God.  And, be brave enough for self-reflection.  If you find any of God's truth in people's opinions or feel a challenge to change, then do so.  And then, stand firm.  Remember whose you are.  Remember the price paid for you.  Remember the big God you serve who has big plans to use my "baby boy" for His big kingdom.   And, do not be swayed. As your nursery walls said, every day was written in His book before one of them came to be (Psalm 139).  So be bold!  Have courage!  Don't lose faith.

Remember, my darling boy, what your name means.  Remember that you are, indeed, Collin Evan.  Victorious Young Warrior!  Stand firm.  And never forget that you are a living breathing miracle.  Because according to "them"--you aren't even supposed to be here.  But, God was bigger.

With all my love from the depths of my heart,
Your Mom