Whilst painting our kitchen cabinets over the last week, I learned some very important things.  For instance, there are approximately 546 shades of white to choose from.  Sanding is not fun.  Priming is important--but also not fun.  For that matter--not much of it was fun to me, actually.  Hanging with a dearest friend who gave up her whole Saturday to help--that was fun.  Tackling something with my husband that we've wanted to do for years--also fun.  Living with the mess in process--way beyond NOT FUN.  I didn't love having my kitchen table in my living room.  Or my cabinet items on my dining room table.  Seemed strange to say, "Caris, if you need a fork, go look through the dining room table."  Or how about searching for a checkbook to pay the tile guy by digging through upteen grocery sacks full of drawer items?

It. Made. Me. Crazy.  In fact, I think today proves that I am still suffering from PRSD--post repainting stress disorder.   But, the biggest lesson I am still wrapping my brain around is the epiphany that I struggle because of how I see myself.  I see a mess.  I see my failures.  I see my shortcomings.  (why, yes, I am a perfectionist!  how could you tell?).  I drive myself crazy by second guessing myself.  In my roughest moments, it's a bit like an out of body experience.  I can see myself doing something I know I will regret, but that still doesn't seem to stop the madness.  Then, of course, comes the regret.   Glad to know that Paul--author of much of the New Testament--had much the same struggle when he wrote about doing that which he doesn't want to do and not doing what he knows he should. 

I cried the first time I heard Amy Grant's Better Than a Hallelujah. The verses are brutal enough, but this chorus?