Imposition? or Blessing?

1:36 PMHeather

I read a quote on a friend's FB status a few weeks ago that struck me to the core.  I can't find the exact quote right now, but there was one phrase that rang in my head over and over again.  I feel it summed up the hard truth of one of my biggest struggles in mothering.

Do I ever view my children as an imposition?  Do they ever FEEL that they are an imposition?  Or do they feel they are a blessing?  

I am a task oriented person.  That is a more delicate way of stating my tendency toward striving for worth through performance.  And, once I get started on a task, I want to stay with it until I get it accomplished.  Pile on top of that the fact that I am a planner.  Interruptions are not well received.  Now, translate these tendencies to my role as a mom.  Can you grasp the wrestling match I've been having for 12 years now?  

I wish this wasn't true about me.  I wish I was like so many moms I know--whom I perceive NEVER feel frustrated when their kids' needs interrupt their own agenda.  And, my perception is that these moms would certainly NEVER take out that frustration on their children.  I'm not sure how accurate I am in this perception.  But, let me be brutally honest and crystal clear--I have not attained such greatness.

Because the truth of it is, all too often, I realize that I am not truly responding--or more often reacting--to my children because of their behavior or disobedience.  But, more so because they interrupted me.  And, I am afraid that my children might walk away feeling like an imposition.

In the tough and glorious refining that is this year, this conviction has been slowly building until I read those words about an imposition.  Having words to put to the conviction drove the point home.  I have long prayed that I could enjoy my children more.  Not that I don't enjoy them--but I never feel that I enjoy them enough.  There's this strange confliction within me--they bring joy and meaning and a richness to me, and oh, how I adore them!  But, I can easily get to the point of feeling depleted and I need a break.  Because sometimes I feel I am losing my mind--not to mention my identity.

These last two school years of having all school age children has not been as I expected.  When they are gone to school, I do enjoy the freedom that brings, but I feel aimless.  When they get home, I feel my purpose but yet a twinge of this feeling that they have infringed on my agenda.  It's the classic grass is always greener syndrome.  All the while I have asked the Lord to show me if I am missing some mission from Him, but yet I feel confident I am right where I am supposed to be.  I just have to wrestle it through with him.  And, so I have been praying that He would help me to supernaturally go against my bent so that I can enjoy my children completely.

INTENTIONAL challenge:  As I am marinating on this idea of how I truly view my children--as impositions or blessings--I realize that I struggle with feeling like an imposition, rooted in childhood, for whatever reason.  And, I cannot articulate well enough where I currently am on this.  But, I will try.  Somewhere along the way, for whatever reason, the Lord has begun to change my heart and allowed me to replace my natural tendencies in order to give me HIS heart for these amazing children He's given me.  Don't call CPS on me--I have always loved them fiercely.  But, He is enabling me to love them well, to love them better, to pause without a second thought so that they know they are my world.  This summer, a miracle is occurring.  I am over the moon happy to see the people my children are becoming.  They really are becoming my favorite people to be with, and the usual summer struggle with needing a break hasn't overwhelmed me.  Oh, Lord--cover my failures with your grace, erase wounds I have unintentionally inflicted on them, and may they see themselves as the miraculous blessings that they are!

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